Finding My Groove

I had a very productive day in the studio today. Lately its been a struggle there, and I've often felt like I wasn't accomplishing much of anything except spinning my wheels. Over the past few months my studio practice was sporadic and rarely was I privileged with back to back sessions like I've had this week. Time was usually short and I would head to the studio just to tackle a specific task; stretch and prime this canvas, transfer that drawing, or cut down that piece of wood. Needless to say, there are quite a few projects started and not too many completed.

When I look back at some of my most recent sessions I can take note that I wasn't particularly motivated and I was usually too exhausted to give it my all. Even when I did feel well rested and had an entire day to spend in the studio, I would get there and it didn't feel right. I would haphazardly start work on a painting and nothing would come of it. I've continued to produce, but not at the level that I expect to. To a certain degree, I was out of practice and by the time I got going it was time to wrap it up. After that it was usually an entire week would pass before I would be able to devote a significant chunk of time to continue working, and by that time there would be something else clamoring for my attention.

Today was different. It was the third straight day that I was in the studio, and the second of which I was able to devote an entire day! Earlier in the week I was able to put in a couple of 3 or 4 hour sessions, and yesterday I put in about 6 to 7 hour session. Today I put in close to 9 hours! What a great feeling. After weeks of frustration, it truly feels like I'm finding my groove again.

What is Painting?

This question has haunted me lately. I'm trying to determine where I stand, but I do not know where this conversation is taking place. I walk through the Museums and I see what painting once was. A stroll through the galleries gives me a sense of the market, as well as what is in fashion. Then I see the paintings hung in cafes, art fairs, and sold on the internet, and I see a version of what the public consumes as art. I look at the art periodicals and I am baffled by the language, which is clearly driven by intellectuals purely for the sake of intellectualism. Each time I venture out, I end up feeling disappointed and I return to the studio.

I am looking for painting as a practice and how it relates to art production. I am looking for critical discourse. I am looking for new challenges within the medium. I want to know the dialog around contemporary painting and where I can join in. Are there current issues in painting? If so, what are they, and who says so?

Transition

This past Friday was my last day of work at Blick, and I have spent the last few days acclimating myself with my new life. My biggest concern is making adequate use of my time, and not wasting it by sleeping in or surfing the internet all day. On the flip-side, I do not want to try to be super-productive and cram my day full of a million projects either. My goal is to ease myself into this process and not attempt to tackle too much too soon. The reason I took this leap was because I was feeling burnt out and that I no longer had control over my life, and I would like to avoid feeling that way again.

I have made it a point to wake up earlier in the morning at 7:30 a.m. even though I do not have to be at Street Level until Noon. I'm attempting to get a jump on my day so I do not feel like I am rushing around, which I most definitely would be if I chose to sleep until 10:30 or 11 a.m.(it is very tempting though). It means I can truly eat breakfast and enjoy a cup of coffee or tea. It also means I can have time to read and write, and even have time to throw a load of laundry in. At some point I am even thinking about starting to run again, which is something I have not done in years. I am using this opportunity to structure my life as I would like to live it.

As my routine emerges, each area of my life will find a place. The biggest impact will be on my studio practice. I am not sure exactly how it is going to work itself out, but it is looking like I will be doubling and even tripling the amount of studio time I used to have. This is both exciting and terrifying. I have always looked at my artistic career and always sighed the sigh of,"if only I had more time in the studio I would do this..." Now that I have the time, it is a sort of shock to my system and it almost doesn't feel real. I have two consecutive days scheduled entirely for the studio, and I also have several smaller time blocks figured in on days that I have other commitments. This means I can really begin to focus on what I want to do, rather than on the bare minimum of what needs to be done right now! This is a great feeling and I look forward to watching the results.

Studio Update: Large Paintings

I originally intended to post this update last night, but instead I installed an air conditioner in the bedroom and watched a Francis Bacon documentary.

All of these paintings are works that I am creating with the funds that I secured with the CAAP grant. I am on schedule to finish the project by November. I have included some shots of completed paintings, and a couple of shots of ones that are in the works. The paintings have evolved and a new series is emerging. The Nuclear Winter series is at a decent stopping point, and I'm still trying to figure out a working title for the new series. It's pretty hot in the apartment, so I am going to wrap it up here and retire for the evening. Feel free to let me know what you think.

"Untitled Work in Progress"
Acrylic and Mixed Media on Canvas,
54 x 42,
2009

"Autumn VII"
Oil and Acrylic on Canvas
54 x 42
2009

"Autumn VIII"
Acrylic on Canvas
54 x 42
2009

"Untitled Work in Progress"
Acrylic and Mixed Media on Canvas,
54 x 42,
2009

"Autumn VIII"
Acrylic on Canvas
54 x 42
2009

Studio Update: Small Studies

At the moment I am working at three jobs, so I have not had much time to post as frequently as I would like. However, I do make time for the studio, and I will be posting updates today. I wanted to give you them all at once, but I decided to present them by scale. This morning I'm showing you some smaller studies in various stages of completion, and later this evening I intend to post some shots of larger paintings. The truth be told, I am trying to cram this post in before I head off to my retail gig (a side note: I only have six shifts left!), and the smaller scale pics were the only ones that were web ready.

"work-in-progress" acrylic on canvas, 11 X 14, 2009.

"work-in-progress" acrylic on canvas, 16 X 20, 2009.

"work-in-progress" acrylic on canvas, 16 X 20, 2009.

"work-in-progress" acrylic on canvas, 16 X 20, 2009.

Moment of Truth

Yesterday I put my notice in at Blick. In an earlier post I mentioned that I was planning to quit my full time job and focus on painting; that time has finally come. Things started to fall in place this past week, and over the weekend I had to weigh my decisions. What is more important time or money? I believe the answer is time.

I am feeling a mixture of emotions. Each day now is a combination of exhilaration and anxiety. I am thrilled by the prospect of freedom, and not having to sling art supplies in a retail environment. I am also terrified of having to survive without that steady source of income flowing in. The unknown is always scary, but nothing is gained without risk.

In July I pick up an additional class at Lill Street Art Center. I will also start work for an organization called Street Level. They have hired me on as an Artist Mentor for their Summer Art Apprenticeship Program. These gigs will provide enough money to pay the bills on the short term, but they are also very temporary and contingent upon enrollment. However, that is the price I am willing to pay for more time in the studio.

My goal is to succeed as a professional artist. I do not want to do anything else but paint and occasionally teach. This is the life I want to live, so I am going to start living it. This is about my choice in lifestyle and creating my own values. Success is a state of mind, and it is nearly impossible to attain while working for someone else. The road ahead is going to be tough and there will be plenty of obstacles to overcome, but I believe I am up to the challenge.

On Finding a Voice.

Its been three years since I completed graduate school and happily vacated the ivory tower of academia. For numerous reasons, I could not wait to get the hell out of there. I was burned out, and, I will admit, a bit jaded. The studio visits and critiques had become unwanted intrusions, and in the end I felt like I was struggling to distinguish my own voice from all of the chatter. I was forced to filter through so much information that I no longer knew what was relevant. There were too many people offering too many opinions, and all of that input had grown counter productive. I was overwhelmed by the noise.

Now I'm in a situation where the complete opposite is true. I have spent the past three years working, primarily, in isolation without any intrusions, critiques, or studio visits. The dialogue has shifted to something that is entirely internal; it is virtually non-existent outside of my own head. Although this period has allowed me to delve deeper into my work, I've found that the lack of input is quite disheartening. The silence can be deafening.

I understand why so many artists quit making art outside of school. Anyone can be an artist in college, but it is an entirely different beast when you are on your own. Not many are willing to venture out on to that tight rope once the safety net is removed. It is a very lonesome and frightening path. Staying motivated is a difficult task, and it is easy enough not to work when all of the deadlines have vanished. There are days when I am tempted quit. However, it is far too late for me, and I guess it is best not to look down.

I have tackled motivation in a similar manner as an alcoholic maintains sobriety, which, in my case, is one painting at a time. I have learned to establish my own deadlines, and a maintain a fairly regular studio practice. Yet, this is easy for me to do because I love painting. My biggest challenge is getting the work out into the world and generating a dialogue. I am searching for a discourse to engage in, and rather than wait around for it to come to me, I decided to start writing this blog. After all, if I am searching for a conversation, then it is my responsibility to initiate it. If no one is going to provide me with a venue, then I will just have to do it myself.

Three More Things I Can Do Today

Periodically I will post these small lists of what I would like to accomplish today. These will often be things that I've procrastinated on. I adopted this idea from Leo Babauta and his blog Zen Habits. Without further ado, here are the three things I can do today:

1) Visit the Hyde Park Art Center

2) Build the smaller canvases I've wanted to build.

3) Write that guest post for ReCollect Creative.

Concerning Fear and Terrorism; The New Bogeyman

My current work focuses on the manipulation of fears and desires by mass media and popular culture. The work is part autobiographical and part social commentary. Through the process of drawing and painting, I am able to look back at various points of my life and re-examine what my basic fears and desires were, and how those emotions were fed by the media sources I consumed. The bogeyman of my youth was communism and I was reminded each and every day that at any moment the red scourge of a Soviet nuclear missile could come screaming down from the sky and wipe out everything. This fear was reinforced by emergency drills conducted at school where alarms were sounded and we filed out of our classrooms in an orderly fashion into the dark basement hallways and proceeded to kneel down and duck our heads between our legs and beneath our hands. I remember thinking that this procedure was completely pointless and I began realizing that this sort of action was only initiated to maintain an illusion of security and safety.

The same feelings arise whenever I travel. It baffles me that I am expected to remove my shoes and belt before I pass through security check points. Yet again I find myself questioning the procedure as I am filing down a corridor in an orderly fashion passing through scanners and metal detectors, only for them to inform me that I cannot bring a bottle of water or a tube of toothpaste because they pose a security rise. There is a new bogeyman in town and his name is Terrorism.

Every day we are bombarded by images of masked men bearing AK 47s and parades of suicide bombers donning their explosive vests in the war torn streets of Iraq and Gaza. Osama bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri flash across television screens just like Emmanuel Goldstein poised to elicit our two minutes of hate. These images are often frightening, and combined with ten second soundbites and infinite loops, the result is streamlined propaganda of a fear machine.

I engage in this work not only to draw into question the basis of this fear, but also to regain some sense of control over this emotion. There are truly dangerous people at work in the world, and I am not attempting to deny that. However, fear is often capitalized upon and the people we should really be afraid of are rarely the ones depicted in the headlines.

This series of work is just beginning to develop and I am excited to watch it take shape. Usually I do not show my work in such an early stage of development, but I am choosing to open up my creative process a little bit just to see what kind of feedback emerges. There will be more updates in the coming weeks, so continue to check back and feel free to comment. Until next time, thanks for taking a glimpse into my studio.

Taking the leap.

I have decided to take the plunge and quit my full time job. This is something I have contemplated for some time now, and it is a decision which I am not taking lightly. I would be a liar if I said I wasn't scared shitless by the prospect of failure, however I figure that if I don't make this move, then I have already failed. There is more to life than money, and working full time for someone else only ensures that I will never get ahead. My heart tells me that this is the right decision, and I cannot afford to continue squandering my time and energy on endeavors which leave me completely devoid of any sense of fulfillment.

There will be a number of people who think that I am crazy, and they will point to the economy and say, "we're in this big bad recession and you should be thankful that you even have a job!" I don't deny that things are bad out there, however, the current state of the economy is what prompted me to make this decision. I realized that I am only one arbitrary spreadsheet away from financial ruin, and despite how safe and secure my job appears to be, the fact that I earn a salary means that I am expendable. With that in mind, I would be a fool to continue down my current path without developing some sort of exit strategy. This is an opportunity for me to regain control and start living the life I want to live.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea and think that I am unappreciative about my job. My bosses are good people, and my co-workers are great. There are many things that I like about my job, and I am very comfortable in my position. This job has helped me settle in and establish myself in Chicago, and a large portion of my network has come from contacts that I have made working here. I do not regret the time I have put in, and I have had a lot of fun working here. With all of that said, this job was always meant to be a stepping a stone, and the time has now come to move on.

My goal is to be a professional artist, and to me that requires a full time commitment to painting in my studio. If I didn't think I could do this I would have quit a long time ago. If it weren't such a challenge would I have ever embarked on it? I have spent my entire life preparing for this moment, and all I can do now is let go and trust that things will work. There is this zen saying which I've always tried to live by: "Leap and the net will appear."

Studio Snapshot

Here are some snapshots of the latest work coming out of my studio.

Removing the Clutter

Yesterday I dedicated my first two hours to cleaning up the studio. I tend to work on several projects simultaneously, and things often get a bit chaotic when I'm flying around throwing oil paint on this canvas, and tossing acrylic on the next. Needless to say things get messy fairly quickly and in the end I wind up spending more time searching for the things I need than actually using them. The clutter had become a huge obstacle to my painting and it had to be eliminated.

There were piles of things on the floor and every table surface was a veritable wasteland of jars, brushes and paper. It appeared to be an overwhelming task, but it had to be done, so I grabbed a broom and started sweeping up the saw dust that was everywhere. I swept a section of about two square feet when I realized that there was too much on the floor to continue sweeping. All of the paint returned to their respective bins and I put all of the solvents and mediums back on the shelf. I went back to sweeping and I worked from the edges and corners of the room back into the middle, which formed an island of sawdust, scrap wood, string, screws, and staples. Cleaning is one of those things that I usually dread, but the deeper I got into it the better I felt about it overall. Removing the clutter allowed me to actually see what I was working on and it also eliminated the mental strain from navigating the debris.

Cleaning provided me with clarity. Now I can't wait to walk into the studio to work again because the space is organized and I know where everything is at. There is also much more open space now and my work no longer has to compete for my attention, which is as it should be. Most importantly it helped put me in the right mindset to create. I feel very positive about the studio now, and this will undoubtedly resonate in the work.